


Across The Sky In Stars

by lighthouseglow



Series: The Jedi Archives [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Banter, Character Development, Character Study, Childhood, Coming of Age, Crew as Family, Diary/Journal, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Families of Choice, Female Anti-Hero, Friendship, Gen, Gray Jedi, Gritty, Insecurity, May the Force Be With You, Memory Loss, Moral Ambiguity, Personal Canon, Psychological Trauma, Road Trips, Sarcasm, Self-Esteem Issues, Sith, The Dark Side of the Force, Trust Issues, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 17:29:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4445369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lighthouseglow/pseuds/lighthouseglow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“All the same…” she sighed, looking out at the endless hot sand that stretched to the horizon, “…I have a bad feeling about this.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Saga Begins

**Author's Note:**

> I have always been a _Star Wars_ fan since I was very young, though I remember it bugged me that, to my knowledge, Princess Leia never actually became a Jedi. Other than Leia, there weren't very many women in the original trilogy of films so I felt a little left out of the Jedi stuff. I wanted a blue lightsaber, damn it!
> 
> And then when I was fourteen, my brother brought home Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. I didn't know it, but this video game was going to change my life and raise my roleplaying game standards really high. I never actually finished it back then, but it was the first game where I took control of the story. The choices were mine and I had to live with them and I could be a girl and a Jedi! This was a pretty big deal when most of the protaganists in the games I played were all guys.
> 
> Now, twelve years later as an adult, I'm going to finish both games. May the Force be with you. Always. As is standard for these journals, I'm playing the game in real time so everything you read is, at base level, my actual reactions to plot developments. Bioware gave me the space to develop in; I'm doing the rest. Every choice in the series that I make is my own.

I’m getting used to the _Endar Spire_ —lucky that a scout like me got picked for this mission. I always knew alien linguistics would get me off Tatooine, no matter how much my mother grumbled. “Can’t you just farm like your father?” she asked me the day before I left for the spaceport for the first time a decade ago.  
`  
“Aw, Mom, you know how much I don’t like it here and besides, the galaxy is a lot bigger than just Tatooine.”

“Lily, don’t you know what kind of people are out there? You’ve never even left the homestead before; do you know the kind of people who’ll take advantage of that?”

“The bad kind, Mom, I know. I’m seriously not a kid anymore.”

“All the same…” she sighed, looking out at the endless hot sand that stretched to the horizon, “…I have a bad feeling about this.”

“I’m doing linguistics, I’ll stay close to the Outer Rim and I won’t get blown up. There, happy now?” I said, getting up to wash the dishes.

“Leave that, you can’t afford to miss the ship out,” Mom said impatiently. “Send us a hologram when you get there, okay? Be safe. You know we love you.”

“Yeah.”

“But do you really have to take that toy Wookie with you? You’re sixteen!” Mom sighed.

“He helps me sleep better at night.”

“Don’t complain to me when you don’t make any friends, then. Just…” She brushed a hand over her face. “Be good, alright?”

“I can’t promise anything, Mom.”

…We never did have the best relationship, my mother and I. By the time I left home, my younger siblings were already being trained to be farmers by Daddy and they seemed content with their lot…most of the time. “Can’t I become a Jedi?” was my brother’s favorite dinner table topic.

“Absolutely not, son. That’s the worst decision you can make, in my opinion. You join the Order and you’ll never leave. You’ll never marry, never have children and I won’t have help with the farm,” Daddy would sigh. “It’s not all glamour and lightsabers, you know.”

“Yeah, shut up, Joseph.”

“You’re worse than he is, Lily, so you have no room to talk. If you’d not read so much I wouldn’t be stressed about the harvest and whether or not we’ll be able to eat.”

“We need to do a better job of helping each other…” Mom would say and at that point, like my three younger siblings, I would tune her out. She reminded me of a particularly annoying droid; at least droids have off switches when you want them to shut the hell up. Actually, don’t tell anyone, but my whole family grated on me. Being stuck on a sandy homestead with them for sixteen years will do that to you…and I’m now twenty-six, so I haven’t returned to Tatooine in at least a decade.

Some day, when I have enough credits, I’ll get a protocol droid of my own so I won’t have to talk to myself.


	2. Where The Hawk Looks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carth Onasi needs to stop flirting with me.
> 
> No, really, he does. We have more important things to deal with than unresolved tension at the moment. I know how these adventure stories go, don’t think I don’t.

Okay, let me list all the things that have gone to hell since I wrote last time; it’s been awhile…

 

  * The _Endar Spire_ exploded.
  * I am alive and in one piece; this is fortunate or unfortunate depending on if people like me or not.
  * Carth Onasi needs to stop flirting with me.
  * No, really, he does. We have more important things to deal with than unresolved tension at the moment. I know how these adventure stories go, don’t think I don’t.
  * My commanding— _Our_ commanding officer is missing and I personally have no fucking idea where she is.
  * Taris is under a Sith quarantine—yay. Let’s have a party, why don’t we? Or a raid. Raids are fun, too.
  * …I was being sarcastic. If you couldn’t figure that out, then you’re a meatbag.
  * I have apparently been thrashing around in bed for the past three days.
  * Yes, Mom, I was sleeping. Don’t start freaking out.
  * Mom doesn’t even read this; why the hell am I apologizing to her?
  * …That was a really weird dream I just woke up from—sounded like the stories Joseph used to read. Forces of good against evil, blah, blah, blah, blah. Naturally, Onasi didn’t seem to care much.
  * I think Carth’s flirting with me was the first time he’s loosened up since this mission even started. Yes, I hate that he does it. I swear, if his compliments get any more over-the-top I’m going to chop his ear off.
  * But we’re sharing an apartment together. Why does this always happen to me?
  * Alright, I’ll admit that without Carth I’d be bantha fodder by now.
  * We don’t trust each other. This is bound to be the most fun mission I’ve ever had.




	3. So Far Away From Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t sleep well with Onasi in the bed across the room—way more aware of his presence than I should be.

Meatbag. Where did I pick up that insult? _Listen, you fucking meatbag… Humans are just bags of meat with bones in them, Master._ Meatbag… I don’t own any droid—it would take twenty years for me to get one on a grunt’s salary… Maybe some nightmare I had? Heat. Anger. Aggression. _Meatbag, meatbag, fucking meatbag…_

Well, I’ll file that insult away in my mind to use later—has a…nice ring to it. I can’t sleep well with Onasi in the bed across the room—way more aware of his presence than I should be. Hawke, get a grip on yourself; he’s not going to hurt you in the middle of the night, not with all this work on Taris to do and…I need a drink. Liquid. Something.


	4. Taris Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Typical male. When’s your dark past going to come spilling out?”

I seem to wake up earlier than Onasi, usually throw on my jacket that’s like a comfort blanket for me. I saw Carth look at my plush Wookie for a split second when we got ready for bed last night, but he didn’t say anything. “Everyone needs a security blanket,” I said simply as I crawled into bed; our hideout is way too cold for my liking.

“I didn’t say anything, Lily.”

“Your expression sure did.”

“Why are you always acting like I have an ulterior motive?”

“That’s the pot calling the kettle black if ever I heard it.”

“I don’t trust anyone, okay?”

“Typical male. When’s your dark past going to come spilling out?”

“I don’t want to fight with you.”

“When do you ever?”

“You’re the most damned persistent woman I’ve ever met! Go to sleep!”

“How do I know you won’t stab me in the back once I’m asleep?”

“Have I done that the past few nights we’ve been in this place?”

“No, but you could.”

“I could’ve also left you for dead when our escape pod crashed.”

“You didn’t.”

“No, I didn’t. Go to sleep, soldier.”

Easy for Carth to say; sleep comes easy to him. I wake up angry, restless, unsettled, yank out this little book and start writing. _I love it when you wake up in the morning…_ Who used to say that? Somebody used to say that…but who was it? I don’t…fall in love easily, if it all. _It’s the only thing I’ve learned to love._ Clearly I’ve been reading too much…


	5. They Locked The Doors and Tried To Kill Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What’s the thing all the Jedi say? The sass is strong in this one.”

We’ve got a kid with us—Mission Vao, sweet girl, a Twi’lek who speaks Basic. Turns out Bastila’s been sold into slavery, but I can’t really talk about intricate details because Zaalbar, Mission’s Wookie friend, needs to be found first. I see too much of myself in her; does that make me egotistical and selfish? “I ain’t no kid! I’m fourteen years old! Shouldn’t we be going out to rescue Big Z? There’s no light in here anyways.”

“Give us time, Mission,” Carth says grimly all the time. “We can’t just run into those sewers blindly.”

“Lily, come on. We can go without this asshole anytime!”

“Did you just insult me, missy?”

“You bet I did, Onasi! Where I come from guys have the balls to call bantha shit what it is, and your approach to saving Big Z is full of bantha shit! You don’t help me and you don’t get to save your friend! Lily gets that because she’s _nice_! You don’t! Isn’t Carth full of bantha shit, Hawke?”

“Don’t drag me into this! The Jedi creed, from what I understand of it, says that we respect all life…even if they distrust us and refuse to open up about their problems!”

“Women…”

“Excuse me, Carth? Was that a sweeping generalization I just heard?” I asked with sarcastic sweetness as I loaded my blaster pistol.

“Don’t rub salt in the wound, Lily.”

“Aww, but that’s my favorite hobby! How dare you take that from me!”

“Lily’s got all the sass in this argument,” Mission said proudly, folding her arms across her chest. “What’s the thing all the Jedi say? The sass is strong in this one.”

“Damn right. Now let’s go save Zaalbar before they skin him alive and turn him into a rug. Of course, he’d rip their arms off before they got a chance…”


End file.
